


A Record of My Life as a Human, by Kryten 2X4B 523P

by queen_fiend (pau22)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-16
Updated: 2009-04-16
Packaged: 2017-10-04 16:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pau22/pseuds/queen_fiend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being human is not always all it's cracked up to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Record of My Life as a Human, by Kryten 2X4B 523P

**Author's Note:**

> Written for lgbt fest 2009.
> 
> The prompt was: "While Kryten is briefly human, he finds that his strong feelings for Lister are different in a body that has glands and hormones. The trouble is, he has never understood the concept of human sexuality."  
> ___
> 
> A huge thanks to madlovescience for her encouragment, bouncing ideas around with me, and for a last-minute read through. :)

**Day 1** \- 22:30

I’ve just spent my very first day as a human being! It’s hard to believe. I’ve decided to keep a journal of my experiences as a human, as I’m sure I will have many interesting ones. I wonder if any other mechanoid in the history of the universe has ever become a human? It’s probably very unlikely. I could be the first one; fancy that!

There is just so much to say! After getting over the initial shock of having nipples that don’t work, eyes that don’t zoom, and that unspeakably ugly replacement for my groinal attachment, I’ve begun getting used to having a human body. Sure, some things are quite unpleasant, as I found out today when I made my first trip to the men’s room, but I am sure it’s nothing I won’t be able to handle. I hope Mister Lister is feeling all right after I asked him all those questions about my penis. It seemed that once he had cancelled smirk mode, he would be able to handle the rest of my upcoming questions. However, I’m afraid those photos were a bit much for him; I’m pretty sure the expressions on his face were illustrating discomfort with the situation. I really didn’t mean to make him feel bad, but it is hard to get everything right on your first day. Well, I won’t make that mistake again! Maybe I should apologize, but then again, it might be wiser not to bring it up again and embarrass him. I hope that’s the right thing to do! I’ve always had a bit of trouble dealing with human feelings, but now that I’m human as well, I think it might be even more confusing until I get the hang of it. Oh well, Mister Lister has invited me to a little party tonight to celebration my new human status, so he must not be too annoyed with me.

After Mister Lister left, I thought I’d better get busy and stop lazing around in the medi-bay. I got up and was about to walk out into the hallway, when I realized I was naked. The things one doesn’t even think about when one is used to being a mechanoid! I wrapped a sheet around myself, and went looking for the Cat. I found him prowling one of the hallways and asked if he could recommend any articles of clothing to me, because I do put a lot of faith in his knowledge of fashion. He very obligingly took me to where he keeps his clothing racks and gave me some things he told me he doesn’t need anymore. I put on a snazzy black shirt, black trousers with silver stripes, and a jacket with sequins in a lovely shade of purple. I thought my outfit was still missing a little something, so I added a pale yellow bowtie which set off the purple beautifully.

As I was walking to the cock-pit in the hopes of showing my new outfit to Mister Lister, I passed Mister Rimmer, who made a rather sarcastic remark about my jacket. I won’t bother repeating what he said here, because I really don’t care what he thinks. What does he know about fashion, anyway? He wears the same thing every day, even though I know his lightbee is capable of projecting different outfits! He really can be a very silly man.

Oh, I must rush off now! I lost track of time, and the party is supposed to start in two minutes! Will write more tomorrow.

  
**Day 2 **\- 09:10

I must say, the act of choosing what to wear in the morning is surprisingly enjoyable. I had no idea what I was missing! Today I chose a lovely pair of navy blue trousers, black leather boots with gold buckles, a black shirt with silver stripes, and a shiny dark orange jacket. I love laying out all my clothes and deciding what to put together.

Last night was great fun. We had our party in the same place we had our last celebration, the night before I almost got dismantled. This time I got to try real alcohol, instead of Holly’s “Android Home Brew.” I had some red wine, but not enough to get drunk. I decided that my previous drunken experience was not really something I wanted to repeat – I no longer have the option of replacing my head, after all! I also tried some of Mister Lister’s beer, but I have to say I didn’t like the taste at all. It’s funny, though; tasting something I don’t like is almost as fun as tasting something I do – much better than not being able to taste at all.

13:20

I’ve just had a big argument with Mister Rimmer and I feel quite proud of myself! Perhaps I should feel guilty, but considering who I was dealing with and the circumstances, I’m quite sure I can be justified in feeling proud. I definitely got the better of Mister Rimmer this time. It’s much easier to stand up for myself in front of him, I’m discovering. I’ve already stopped calling him “sir.” Oh, I wonder if it will be easier to call him smeghead now that I no longer have my mechanoid programming? I shall have to try it again soon.

Anyway, I was looking for Mister Lister so I could show him the new hat I decided to add to my ensemble after lunch, but he wasn’t in his quarters or any of his usual places. I passed Mister Rimmer in the drive room, and asked if he had seen him. He snorted and said, “No, and it’s a good thing too!” Obviously I wasn’t going to get much information from that direction.

I was about to leave, but he asked me why I was looking for him. I said, very pleasantly I thought, “I just wanted to show him my hat.” Mister Rimmer seemed to have a problem with this for some reason. He asked me why I thought Mister Lister would care about my hat. I told him I thought Mister Lister would be pleased to see I was settling into my new identity.

But Mister Rimmer just snorted at that. He asked me, “What identity?” Now, I thought Mister Rimmer would understand what I meant, but I guess not.

So I started to tell him, “Mister Rimmer, I am now a human being, whereas I used to be a mechanoid - ” he quite rudely interrupted me here, and mumbled something about being more human than I was. That was clearly ridiculous, but I didn’t want to get distracted from what I was already saying, so I just continued. “Doesn’t it make sense that I would develop an identity to go along with my new human form? I would think that wearing clothing is an important part of what it means to be human. I can’t very well walk around naked, can I?”

Mister Rimmer looked disgusted, I was quite pleased to note. “Of course not,” he said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you keep getting dressed up in ridiculous outfits and showing them off to Lister, when I’m sure he doesn’t care.”

“But he does care, Mister Rimmer!” I protested. “When he saw me yesterday, he gave me a high five and told how good I looked!”

Mister Rimmer seemed to get rather worked up at this point. “Why so eager to impress him, Krytie?” he said. “He’s got tired of your terrible excuse for cooking? Or maybe…” Mister Rimmer trailed off, appearing to be lost in thought. I would have said something, but I was preoccupied with watching his face, which was going rapidly through several different expressions. I’m sure I saw anger, impatience, self-satisfaction…and an odd one that made him look like he was sucking on a very sour lemon. He started to speak again. “Aha! I know what you’re up to, metal…er…git.”

“Yes?” I asked, puzzled.

“You know perfectly well!” he shouted, glaring at me.

I had no choice but to say, “But I don’t know, Mister Rimmer!”

“You…I bet you’re just trying to get into his trousers!”

Well, at that point I experienced a feeling of hotness in my face, which made me pause for a moment because it was an interesting sensation, and I had never experienced it before. I’m sure it’s a human side-effect of anger and annoyance. I became distracted by this feeling, and missed a lot of his continuing insults. I only caught him muttering something like “sick, absolutely sick…” with a very unpleasant look on his face. I believe it could be described as “smug.” He probably thought he had got the better of me, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. I opened my mouth to say something back, but he beat me to it.

“Speaking of trousers, I bet you still don’t have anything at all in them, do you? Still wearing those plastic underpants, Krytie?” This made me feel very angry indeed. As much as I wish my new sexual organ was more attractive, I’d much rather have it than not at all! I’m smart enough to know that as a human male, it’s not acceptable to be missing one.

“That is not so, sir!” I said. (Unfortunately I slipped back into my old ways and called him sir; but I was obviously distressed). The next thing I knew, my hands were at the zipper of my trousers, and I was saying “Here, I’ll prove it!” Mister Rimmer’s eyes bulged out, and he suddenly looked ill. Before I could actually prove it, he turned and ran out of the room. To think our argument started with me simply asking him where Mister Lister was! That’ll teach him about giving me a hard time in the future.

  
**Day 3** – 22:25

My first two days have been wonderful, but today I’m actually feeling slightly depressed. I’m sure it’s to be expected - one can’t be happy all the time, even as a human! Especially when one has to get used to being a human life-form after being a mechanical one. So it’s understandable that I still have a ways to go before I adjust completely. While a human brain and body have their benefits – getting to wear stylish outfits, enjoying tasty food, being able to stand up better to Mister Rimmer – I can’t deny that I’m missing some aspects of being a mechanoid. The human equivalent of a zoom is just disappointing – I move my head closer to objects, or move them closer to me, but I don’t get all the details in my visual field that I used to depend on. I still have not found any use at all for my nipples! And I hate to bring this up again, but there is one body part in particular that has been annoying from day one, and I don’t know how much longer I can put up with it. If I still had my groinal attachment, I could just detach it if it became annoying – although it never did. It was a very useful piece of equipment, but sadly I spent most of the time with it removed because other people had negative reactions to it – Mister Lister included. I remember one incident when he requested that I make him a beer milkshake. I did, but by the time I brought it to him, all the frothiness that he enjoys so much had gone away. I quickly inserted my hose and whisk into my groinal socket, and gave the milkshake a whirl. “Here you go, sir!” I said. “It came out rather flat so I gave it an extra little stir to froth it up again.”

He thanked me, but I could tell from the way he said it that there was something wrong. I could tell he didn’t enjoy his milkshake nearly as much. He usually guzzles it down, but this time he drank it more slowly, and when I entered the room later on I saw evidence that some of it had been poured down the sink. At the time I was surprised by Mister Rimmer’s apparent enthusiasm for my trusty tool. I still clearly remember him exclaiming, “Mmm, that looks delicious, Listy!” as I finished stirring up the milkshake. In retrospect, however, I suppose he was only being sarcastic.

Oh, now I’ve gone off on a bit of tangent. What I’m trying to say is, my penis is proving to be a very troublesome thing. I’m convinced it has a mind of its own! Really, its unpredictable nature must get on people’s nerves. I can’t be the only one! Case in point, something rather confusing happened this evening. I had asked Mister Lister to join me for a few drinks in Parrot’s Bar. I thought it was time we had a good old human-to-human, man-to-man chat, and I was determined not to ask him any questions this time that would embarrass him or me. In that respect, at least, I think I was successful. Mister Lister kept me entertained with amusing stories about driving cabs on Mimas and his earlier days in Liverpool – his life has really been quite remarkable! He asked me how I was doing, of course. I wasn’t about to depress him by going on about my problems, so told him, “Absolutely wonderful! I can feel real emotions, I love being able to eat, and I’m finding it much easier to lie and be insulting!”

“Awesome, Krytes!” he said, with a big smile and a wink. I was so glad I hadn’t told him about my worries, because I so love to see Mister Lister in a good mood. Then my fellow human asked me, “Have you been insulting people then, Kryten?

“Well,” I said, “I got into a bit of an argument with Mister Rimmer yesterday afternoon.”

Mister Lister seemed impressed by this news. “Really?” he said. “Eh, I don’t blame ya. What did he do this time, try to show you a Morris dancing vid?”

“Oh no, sir. He just said something nasty about my outfit.” Mister Lister snorted and rolled his eyes. “But I think I won the argument in the end.”

“Did you call him a smeghead?”

“Well, no, but I pointed out something to the effect of it not making sense to insult someone’s fashion sense when what you’re wearing looks like a shiny green cucumber!”

“Good for you, Krytes!” Mister Lister laughed at the comparison, and I joined in. Laughter is yet another thing that feels different in a human body! Different, but good.

We sat quietly for a few moments, Mister Lister drinking his beer, and me sipping my red wine. It seemed like a good opportunity to ask his opinion on something I had been considering earlier that day. I have always loved being called Kryten, but I was worried that it’s not really a suitable name for a human male. Would I have to pick a new name, as part of my new human identity? Then there’s my admittedly jerky middle name, and my last name, while nice, is a last name no self-respecting human being would ever have. I asked him what he thought of me changing my name, and to my surprise, Mister Lister looked shocked. “Why?” he asked. “It’s a perfectly good name!”

“It’s a perfectly good name for a mechanoid, but not for a human, wouldn’t you agree?” I protested.

Mister Lister considered this for a second, then said, “Kryten, who cares whether or not your name is a human name? It’s unique, and it’s _you_. I don’t want to see ya changing it just because you think you have to.”

I have to admit, I was relieved at Mister Lister’s reaction. I still like my name, and I never truly wanted to change it. There was still the matter of my middle and last names, but before I could ask about those, Mister Lister put his arm around my shoulder, and said, “Kryten, you’ve already changed from a mechanoid to a human, now you’re thinking about changing your name – are you going to change your personality next? That wouldn’t be good, eh? I think you’re great, and so is your name, yeah?”

That was when the confusing thing happened. I felt my face grow a little warm, just like yesterday during the argument with Mister Rimmer. However, this time I wasn’t feeling annoyed or angry, just happy and content because of Mister Lister’s kindness and encouraging words. Or at least I was, until the next moment, when I experienced a physical phenomenon in my former groinal socket area. It felt exactly like what I experienced on the first day, when I looked in that electrical appliance catalogue and saw the picture of the triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dust bag! It was totally awkward. And it was so distracting, that I didn’t hear what Mister Lister was saying for a few seconds. What’s even more disturbing is that when I looked back at his happy face, I suddenly had the urge to lie on top of him or under him, just like I know Mister Lister wants to do with Miss Kochanski. Now, I understand this is human beings’ method of reproduction, and I know Mister Lister wants children, so it makes perfect sense for him to want to do that with Miss Kochanski. However, I know enough about the human reproductive system to realize that two men cannot create babies together! No, I think the events of tonight can only be explained with that ominous-sounding term, “human sexuality.” The problem is, I have never understood human sexuality, and becoming a human has not caused me to become enlightened on the subject. Just more confused, if that’s possible.

But it’s very late, and I think I’ll have to sleep on it.

  
**Day 4 **\- 08:50

I woke up earlier than usual and have just been lying in bed, having a good think. And...I’ve determined that I must be in love with Mister Lister. Technically I have always loved Mister Lister, even when I was a mechanoid. He’s the person I admire the most, and he’s done so much for me! It feels different now, though. I’m sure there has to be a difference between mechanoid love and human love. What I mean is, well, I fell in love with Camille when I first met her. Mister Rimmer would never love Camille in her mechanoid form, it just wouldn’t make sense! That’s why I was so confused when Mister Rimmer was telling me he thought Camille was attractive! Likewise, feeling for Mister Lister what I felt for Camille while I was still a mechanoid wouldn’t make much sense either. My feelings for Mister Lister are now quite complicated. If I had to analyze them, I’d say they consist of what I felt for Camille, combined with the happy feeling I’ve always had when I’m around Mister Lister, combined with some odd physical phenomena which are both exciting and annoying. I think I even want to kiss him, isn’t that silly? I’m sure there’s some elaborate protocol around human kissing I’m not aware of, though, so I wouldn’t attempt it. If this is what human love feels like, I can see why people often get grumpy when they’re in love. Not to say that Mister Lister is making me grumpy, it’s just that these feelings are confusing. I almost feel like just living with him, without anyone else around. Now, that’s quite selfish, isn’t it! Everyone likes Mister Lister. Except maybe Mister Rimmer, but I think I’ve established already that he’s quite insane!

I’m rambling now. My thoughts used to be so organized; now I’m all over the place! No matter what else I’m doing, part of my brain is always thinking about Mister Lister at the same time. As a mechanoid, if I didn’t want to think about something anymore, I’d simply stop. I can’t do that now; his name is always prodding at the back of my mind…

15:45

Oh, dear. What a mess. I feel terrible! I just went to see my spare heads, and I’m afraid I treated them horribly rudely. I had actually forgotten about them, and felt awful when I realized. I thought they would be happy for my newly acquired human status, but they weren’t at all. They were annoyed that I hadn’t been to visit them of course, and Spare Head 3 told me that I would always be a mechanoid no matter what. Well, I lost my temper and told him, in these exact words, “I don't have to take this from you! I'm a human. Shut your stupid flat head!” I didn’t even think to apologize; I just felt proud and triumphant. This is not the kind of human I set out to be! Really, what would Mister Lister think if he had heard me act so rudely to my own spare heads!

I’m now seriously reconsidering this being human business. I still love it, in some ways, but every day I’m discovering more things I don’t like about it. I mean…maybe I’ll _never_ adjust to the quirks of a human body. In some ways, I feel more like an equal member of the crew, but in other ways I can’t even be as useful to them without my special mechanoid features. And as for that little issue I wrote about earlier this morning…I find myself unable to stop thinking about it. Perhaps I would be better off appreciating Mister Lister from my former mechanoid point of view…

16:35

All right, after some further thought, I’ve made my final decision: it’s time to change back. It’s a pity, because I’ve enjoyed so many things about these past four days, but I feel I’ll be happier this way. These human emotions are really starting to take their toll on me; I am so exhausted. It’s not only that my emotions keep changing, but they can’t even make themselves clear in my brain! As a mechnoiad, I would experience only one emotion at a time; sometimes two. Humans can have so many emotions going on at once, and I really don’t know how they cope!

I suppose the most important consideration is my feelings for Mister Lister. You’d think I wouldn’t mind being in love with him, as I was already so fond of him. But human love involves too many irritating complications that I have no use for at all. I’m afraid of becoming extremely depressed, if I don’t change back as soon as possible. Besides, I’m pretty sure Mister Lister likes me even better as my original mechanoid self, from what he said last night. Yes, this is definitely the right course of action, I’m sure of it. I’ll go and tell Mister Lister right away!

This is Kryten 2X4B 523P, human being, signing off.


End file.
